How to Bond with Your Newborn

You only get one chance to welcome your child into this world and into your home, so make the most of it. A child won't understand if you put a premium on a clean house, a certain style of meal preparation, ironed clothes, or television watching. The only thing baby knows is that he wants to be with you¡ªand he will get fussy if you're too busy or distracted by other things.

The three most important biological acts eating, sleeping, and going potty will happen naturally, but there's another very important relational act. It's called bonding. This is a time for you and your child to get physically, spiritually, and emotionally connected.

Get close, skin to skin.

One of the most powerful bonding exercises between a mother and baby is one designed by God himself: breastfeeding. There isn't a warmer or more comfortable place on earth for a baby than to be tucked against mommy's stomach, nestled to her breasts. And the food is free! (Something you certainly won't be able to say later in the child's life, especially in the hungry adolescent and teenage years.)

If you have birthed this child, I hope you'll take advantage of this wonderful bonding opportunity. If you aren't able to breast-feed for some reason, or if your child is chosen, don't despair. You can still make bottle-feeding a slow, unhurried, and intimate experience. Pull up your shirt so baby can get some skin time. Nothing feels as good as skin¡ªnot even premier cotton with a GAP, Oshkosh, or Ralph Lauren label. Look into your baby's eyes; sing to her, talk to her, laugh with her (children love to hear you laugh). Avoid the trap of seeing nursing or feeding time as a way to watch television, talk on the phone, or do something else without any "vocal" interruptions. Use baby's naptime for these diversions.

"Wear" your baby!

Another great opportunity to bond is easier today than ever before: Keep your baby with you as much as possible. Back in my day kids were often placed in mobile pens or infant seats where they were separated from you. Today, fortunately, there are any number of baby carriers that allow you to virtually "wear" your baby. These are great ideas. I've seen some that allow baby to rest, sitting up, against your chest, and others that allow baby to lie down in an elaborate sling. As baby grows a bit, you can get backpacks for your walks. If you've chosen an "older baby" or a toddler, set aside a lot of time for snuggling. Carry that child next to your heart as much as you can and do a lot of rocking with the child on your lap. Any investment you make in keeping your child close to you will pay infinite rewards in emotional and physical bonding.

When you purchase a stroller, consider getting one that allows you to look at your baby, instead of one that has your baby pointing away from you. If you can afford it, perhaps you can purchase one of each. Your child will grow familiar with the world soon enough; in the early months she's as interested in you as anything she'll see out on the street.

Maximize night and morning times.

There are two other times tailor-made for bonding: just as your child wakes up in the morning, and as she goes to sleep at night. Think about it what would you dream about most often if you saw the same face smiling down at you every night, just before you dropped off to sleep, and then greeting you first thing in the morning? Such consistency provides a firm foundation of safety for your child.

I'm not a medical doctor, but my counselor's training gives me some authority to speak on this: Psychologically, your child will greatly benefit from unhurried bonding time, particularly before bedtime. Some children are also eager to cuddle right after they wake up. There really is no substitute, no amount of "quality time," that can replace these ideal windows.

Fall in love.

Bonding isn't a complicated process; it's natural. Every time you talk and interact with your baby, you bond. You're falling in love with your baby and your baby is falling in love with you. Giving her a little raspberry on her tummy, touching her toes and talking to her while you change her diaper, singing softly as she slips into sleep these are all precious times of bonding together.

Resist the "hurry trap."

Even now your child is constantly looking up and taking emotional notes on how he or she is treated. So resist the traditional hurried American lifestyle. Children are very sensitive to getting the brush-off; they have a way of knowing what's going on when you're just trying to get them to take a nap prematurely because you have other things to do.

I am a big proponent of letting your child be the unique being that she is. Ask any young mom in a MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) group who has a couple of kids, and she'll tell you that every kid is different. Is there a time that's best to put your child down for a nap or bedtime? Absolutely. What time is that? It depends on your child!

This is why bonding is so crucial. When you get to know your child, she will give you cues to show you when she's sleepy. Some babies will rub their eyes, others will start to fuss every time they are moved or touched, others will scream bloody murder. As you get to know your baby, you'll learn to pick up on these cues before you have a major confrontation. The better you know your baby, the better you'll be at timing those important events like eating and sleeping. Anticipating these moments will take some of the steam out of the power struggles that will arise in the coming months.

There's no substitute for time. You've got to take the time to learn how to read your child. Everything else like dishes stacked high, dust bunnies in the corners, returning phone calls and e-mails¡ªcan wait.